Receiving Feedback: A Focus on The Self & Others

Too many times I’ve seen and heard of Feedback Training and almost always on how to give feedback in performance conversation or in interpersonal situations. 

What I’m interested in understanding is how many of us stop to think about our role in receiving feedback. That is how do you manage a conversation where you are the recipient of feedback and how do you rescue the conversation when the person delivering the feedback is unclear or off target. How do you still manage to get the most out of the conversation and obtain the value you need from it?

Giving feedback is not easy. There are so many thoughts usually going through a person's mind. They are hopefully trying to carefully select the words, and making sure the environment is right.  They may be trying not to look nervous and trying to keep their tone of voice steady. Look there could be a lot going on but ultimately there’s an important message that needs to be delivered and it usually is of benefit to the recipient.

So how can we help to get that message?

Here’s 3 tips to help with these types of situations:

1. Be curious! Remind yourself that feedback is a moment where you get to glimpse at yourself through the eyes of another person. It may not be how you see yourself but it’s always helpful to understand how you are being perceived by others. If you get the chance to prepare beforehand, have some questions handy to ask, or send your questions ahead of time.
   

2. Relax your mind and lead the way! They may be nervous enough without you also freaking out. Look closer and try to understand what’s happening for the other person. After all they are only human and you may need to take the lead. Here, focus on your curiosity and take a soft, slow, steady breath and remind yourself that the outcome of this conversation is likely to be in your best interest.

3. Remind yourself that anxiety isn’t all bad! A small amount of anxiety is a sign that you care. The thing is they are also likely to care. Usually about what you think about them and their ability to deliver the message well. In some cases, they wouldn’t bother to put themselves through this uncomfortable situation if this wasn’t important enough. If you can get your mind around the first two points you are likely to seem more relaxed on the outside and you can even assure them that it’s ok for them to speak freely because you would love to get their view so that you can use it to develop yourself and progress your career.
   

   Ohh and one more tip (because I can’t help it)
   

4. Sometimes body language is the best form of communication when words just can’t cut it! Especially when you are working remotely. In these cases the camera should always be ON, focused on you and should be facing the camera lens. Really listen to what they are saying, take notes if it helps, keep your eyes focused on them, hands still and lean in towards them. 
   
   Giving and receiving feedback requires us to engage skills that encompass our Emotional Intelligence with a particular a focus on The Self and on Others. In these situations you need to be able to understand what’s going on for you and manage these emotions especially if they are disruptive. Then you also need to be able to switch your focus to the Other. This means taking in their body language, communication style, the words they are saying, trying to empathise with their perspective, and managing the conversation in a way that is productive (see my article on Emotional Intelligence in the Workplace).